Moment to Moment: Mindfulness in Parenting

by Bridgid Normand

Children's lives, particularly those of very young children, are made up of moment to moment experiences—watching the spider spin its web on the windowsill; creating waves in the bathtub, or squishing slippery peas through little fingers. They are not preoccupied with the past or anxiously thinking about the future in the way that we adults often are. Their joy, excitement, frustration and sorrow are lived intensely in each moment. Our children are models for us, and have much to teach us about how to live fully in the present. They offer us an unrivalled opportunity to join them in their spontaneous delight at life.

However, they also present us with the daunting task of becoming aware of the moment to moment ways in which our actions affect them. Their very survival depends on us and they are tuned into our every action and word. They challenge us to be conscious of ourselves and the home environment we create. They require that we become acutely aware of their needs in order to provide them with optimal nurturing. They invite us to join with them in a crucible of development—our development as human beings and theirs. It is in the moment to moment interactions that they grow and we grow.

How can a parent in today's hectic world learn to live in the moment and be present to your child?

Here are some simple small actions to take.

• When you notice yourself feeling rushed, stressed, or confused, pause for a moment and take three slow breaths. Breathe the air deep into the bottom of your lungs, pushing your belly out with the breath. Three of these deep breaths can often be enough to calm you down so that you can return to the present and be focused.
• Write a card with a reminder to be fully present to your child and your life. Place where you will see it frequently such as on the fridge door. Examples might be:

  Pay attention
  Be here now
  Breathe

  Every time you open the fridge you will be reminded to be present in the moment. Make a point of reading your card before opening the fridge.
• Take five minutes for yourself, to just sit. You can listen to the silence, drink tea, or simply stand outside But while you are doing that try just to "be"—try not to worry, plan, or ruminate. If it is hard to be just "be", focus your attention on your breath. Notice the air entering your nostrils, or your belly rising and falling. When your attention wanders, gently return it to your breath.
• Take a moment during a meal to just taste the food.
• Take your shower with full attention. Really feel the hot water on your skin and the warm steam on your face. Smell the scent of your soap and listen to the splashing of the water.
• Notice when your child seems especially needy for your attention. Is she clingy? Is he whiny? Take five extra minutes with your child doing something fun.
• When life is busy, it is easy to get distracted. Notice when you are with your child and your attention wanders. Gently tug your attention back into the present. Create a verbal cue for yourself to use in those moments, such as "my child's bright eyes," or "her wonderful smile." Prompt yourself with the cue when you catch yourself not really listening and paying attention.
• When your child is playing, sit close by and just watch. From time to time, describe what he or she is doing. This lets your child know that you are present with them in the play but are not intruding into it.
• When your child is talking, listen intently and encourage him or her to continue to talk with your body language and your words. Your focused listening provides the message, "Your thoughts and feelings are important."
• Stand by your child's bed at night and just watch your child sleeping for two minutes. Ask yourself "What does my child really need from me?" and pay attention to the first thing that pops into your mind. Ask yourself, "How can I take this intuition into action?"
• Take five minutes before you start the morning rush to think about the day and imagine how you want it to be.
• Take five minutes at the end of the day before going to sleep to review the day and identify what went well. Review the moments of being present to your child and to yourself.

Each moment of mindfulness teaches you how to have more such moments. As your ability to pay attention to the little things grows, or as you become more able to take brief "focusing" moments, try to identify one or two small actions that will enable you to be more present to yourself and your child. Try them out and notice the difference these small things can make.

One small action that has become a ritual for me, is that on returning home from work, I check in with each family member in a conscious way. I seek them out, one by one and ask them about their day. I listen intently to their joys and sorrows, allowing their talk to take them where it will. As I listen, I drink in their presence, the light in their eyes, the timbre of their voices, and the physical closeness of their bodies. This ritual grounds me back in the family and reconnects us anew.

To understand more about this topic, you may wish to read the thoughtful and inspiring book Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat Zinn. It will encourage you further along the moment to moment journey of parenting.

And now as you come to the end of this article, breathe in slowly, counting to four as you do so. Hold your breath for a count of four. Breathe out slowly, again for a count of four. Take a pause without breathing for a count of four. Then breathe in again slowly. Now as you continue to breathe, look around the room and focus your attention on something you can see on the wall or out of the window. Just look at it and take a few gentle breaths before resuming your day.

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Bridgid Normand, M.Ed. is a writer, parent coach, and the mother of two children. She can be reached at mindfulnessbasedcoaching@gmail.com.